Daddy improving

Today is Mr M's birthday - Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!

You may remember me writing a post a few weeks back about men and the effect that pregnancy and new baby can have on them and that they are often forgotten.

Mr M is improving from how he was feeling a month ago.  It was tough for a while but he is now seeing his GP regularly and has been put forward for support from services.

I have tried to offer as much support as I can.  I have had a number of hats on throughout - my concerned wife hat, my mental health nurse hat and a very occasional time my grumpy tired mummy hat.

Some people have found it difficult to understand how a dad is struggling with a new baby, a few times people have said "he was so excited about becoming a dad".  What do they think happens with mums who suffer from post-natal depression?! Were they also not looking forward to becoming a parent!? Of course they were!!

It's not just the new baby that has caused Mr M to feel unwell - he's had a tough year or so.  He was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, his grandad (who he adored) passed away quite quickly.  He has always been quite an anxious person but this has been amplified.

Through his hardest period every time Baby M cried he was worried that our neighbours would phone social services.  It was difficult to convince him that babies cry and also they have children they will understand.

We have been sitting down and talking a lot.  We work together the challenge his thinking and anxieties.  He is doing really well and I keep telling him that small steps are important, even though he might not feel hes making any progress he is.

I am so proud of how well he is doing and he is such an amazing dad to Baby M.  I hope he has a wonderful birthday just as he deserves!!

My biggest fear

Before I got pregnant my biggest fears were drowning and fire.  These were followed closely by wasps - you might think I am irrational (that's what a phobia is) but wasps have no purpose and they are evil!! They even look evil!!!

My biggest fear now is something happening to Baby M.

I don't mean I worry about this constantly 24 hours a day and wrap him in cotton wool.

This week has caused me to reflect about how lucky we are.  Friends have been experiencing some difficult times this week and also reading what other people experience on social media makes you think.  Whilst my labour wasn't smooth both Baby M & I came through it and were fit and healthy.  Baby M was tongue tied but that was resolved and although he has an umbilical hernia the Dr isn't too concerned.  He is a fit and healthy little boy. 

Some people aren't lucky enough to see their babies grow up, I don't know how they manage through that and hope I never have to find out either.

Your priorities do change when you become a parent and it's natural to worry about your children, that will never change.

What about the men?!?

Mr M is struggling with being a parent.  He is quite an anxious person anyway but since Baby M has arrived he worries he isn't doing a good job and with the sleep deprivation making everything seem 100x worse he has become low in mood.  He has given me permission to blog about his thoughts, feelings and struggles but I feel it is quite personal - it's his story to tell not mine.  It has however got me thinking - what about the men?!?

We have discussed everything with our health visitor who, along with family, has been a great support.  I think it is really important to have a good support network as without one things can become much worse.  Our health visitor made some valid points.  It is hard being a new parent - nothing can prepare you for the huge changes in your life and the fact that a tiny person is now totally reliant on you.  There is no shame in saying you are struggling and need help.

Health professionals are quick to check how mum is feeling, there are groups for mums to go and talk about how they feel and how they are managing.  Mums get a good amount of time to bond with baby by being off work.

What do dads get?!? 2 weeks paternity leave with some annual leave to add on if they are lucky.  How are you supposed to get your head round such a life changing experience in 2 weeks?!  No one asks dad how he is managing, yes mum gave birth but dad is going through everything that mum is going through too.  There aren't groups for dads to go to, men are well known for not being able to discuss their feelings but surely they should be given the option.  Men have this macho manly thing that crying is bad and that they should be superman and be able to hold everything together and nothing should phase them - this adds to the pressure already being piled on by people asking how much sleep you are getting, does the baby cry, how often does he eat, etc, etc, etc!!

A new baby turns your life upside down, yes it is amazing and wonderful but you need to make sure you look after yourself too.  A baby needs it's parents to be there and to be healthy.  You need to do whatever you can to make sure you stay well, be that taking it in turns to get up in the night, going for a walk on your own, asking someone to watch the baby for a few hours whilst you have some sleep or some couple time.  Whatever works for you to help make things a little more manageable.

Mr M is a brilliant Dad & Baby M clearly loves him already.  He will get through this difficult period.

1 month

I can't believe Baby M is a month old, the time has flown by but it also feels like he's been here forever.

It's been a hectic but amazing month - Mr M & I are still fumbling in the dark taking each day as it comes and feeling like we haven't a clue what we are doing.  Everyone keeps saying it'll get easier and we know it will - eventually.

Baby M has put on weight since he was born - he weighed 6lb 13oz when he was born and when he was last weighed by the health visitor he weighed 9lb 4oz.  Good boy!!!

He is now outgrown his newborn clothes but the 0-3 months are still too big in his arms and legs, he will grow into them though.

Baby M has also started smiling in the past few days, I mean proper smiling not "I have wind" smiles.  It melts your heart every time he smiles, I love it!!

He really enjoys tummy time and is able to lift his head up, he's had quite good head control for a week or so now.  He also kicks his legs about when on his tummy, which is bad news for the cat as I think he might be quite speedy once he crawls.  We also put him in his bouncer chair, he tolerates that for about 10 minutes before he gets grumpy.  He does enjoy giving the dangly monkey a good whack though.

Baby M seems fascinated by one of our lamps, he stares at it for ages, I often wonder what's going through his head when he's watching it.

Mr M has tried to get Baby M watching football and darts but we aren't interested in that yet, maybe he never will be!!

Sharing a room with a baby

It is recommended that your baby sleep in your room for 6 months following birth.  This is so you can easily monitor the baby, feed the baby and also gives you peace of mind - you aren't reliant on a monitor and constantly running through to another room as you haven't heard a noise in 10 seconds.

Every baby is different but Baby M is a noisy sleeper!!!  My mum had told me that with me as a baby she had managed to have me sleep in her room for a few weeks but with my brother she had only managed a night before putting him in his cot due to the noises he made.  I laughed this off when she told me but I'm now understanding what she was talking about.

Sharing a room with a baby gives you peace of mind but also drives you a little crazy.  Baby M grunts, snorts, huffs, puffs, squeaks, sounds like a horse - you name it he makes the noise.  However as soon as he goes into a proper sleep and the noises stop I find myself holding my breath to make sure I can still hear him breathing! I haven't got to the stage where I'm holding a mirror under his nose to see if it fogs up but I do feel a little neurotic.  I'm finding myself wishing he wouldn't make all his crazy noises then when he's quiet wishing he would breathe a little louder.

Will we keep him in our room for 6 months, I'm honestly not sure - I think he might outgrow his Moses basket before then.  However there is no way I could put him in his own room at the moment (one reason being we don't have all the cotbed yet) but the other I think I might have even less sleep from constantly having the monitor pressed against my ear.

Neurotic Pregnancy Moments

As my pregnancy is coming towards the end I find myself being neurotic AGAIN!

At the start of the pregnancy my worries before my 12 week scan were centred around the fact that when we went for the scan, would the baby be healthy and growing as it should.  One of my good friends and also a work colleague had miscarriages so this was always at the back of my mind.

Following the 12 week scan and finding out everything was ok (phew!) I was then bombarded by people telling me what I should or shouldn't eat, what I should or shouldn't do, even what shampoo I should or shouldn't use.  It was an overwhelming minefield of information!!  I had a few issues at my work as well which didn't help matters as my boss (a man) didn't understand when I told him there were some roles and some clients I wouldn't be able to undertake or see.

I then felt like everything settled down and I began to enjoy my pregnancy, especially feeling bump kick and wriggle about, that is definitely my favorite part about being pregnant!! Especially when I poke him and he pushes back at me, I have in my head he's giving me imaginary high five's (although it's more likely he's telling me to leave him alone!)

A friend of mine is 3 weeks further into her pregnancy than me and its been great having her to talk through things with.  She is now at her due date and has been for a sweep (which sounds utterly delightful).  She has also been tested for Strep B due to having to go into hospital at one point in her pregnancy and was found to be positive, my midwife just brushes off my concerns when I ask her about this, which is a worry.  What if I am positive and no-one (including me) knows!!

Another thing the midwife tells you is that if there is a decrease in movement to contact the hospital.  Bump has active days, very active days and sleepy days.  On his sleepy days I get myself in a panic thinking should I contact the hospital or not.  Discussing this with my friend her baby doesn't appear to have any regular movement pattern either.  I usually give him a prod and a poke to get him to move and stop my panicking.  Also I have experienced Braxton Hicks but not that many (that I am aware of).  Is this normal?! Should I be experiencing more?  I'm also getting myself in a panic about getting to hospital, especially if he decides to show up at Christmas, we can't expect our friends to drop everything to help us out.  

We bought a fetal heart monitor near the beginning of the pregnancy, we used it quite a lot at the start and recorded bump's heartbeat to send to family and close friends who don't live close by.  We haven't used it for months though, but now I find myself thinking about getting it out just to check bump is ok. 

I'm hoping these are normal worries for a first time mum, I know I am being daft most of the time but I can't stop the thoughts from coming into my head.  Maybe its the fact that this is all unknown and I have no control over anything that happens that makes it worse.

I must remember to enjoy these last few weeks and BREATHE!!!

Baby Shower or Wish list

Baby Shower's seem to be gaining in popularity in the UK as we follow the trend from the USA.  I have had a discussion with my friends, some of which are pregnant and others who have young children to find out how they feel about this trend.

Everyone said they felt that having a baby shower was an excuse to get people to buy you presents.  Everyone felt that they didn't want friends and family to feel like they have to buy the baby a present and you are having a party for this purpose.  My married friends stated they felt that having invited people to their wedding and had presents bought for them for this occasion that it would be rude to have a baby shower and expect more gifts.  My unmarried friends were also not keen on baby showers due to the expectation of gifts despite not having a wedding or occasion where people had bought them and their partner gifts.

 All my friends stated that if people wanted to buy a gift for the baby once they were born that this was their decision.  Everyone said they were happy for friends and family to visit their new baby and if they brought a gift that was a nice thought.

We then discussed whether everyone thought a wish list was a good idea.  We talked about this from the view of new parents and friends and family.  Most stated that they want to get people gifts that they want or need rather than wasting their money on something they already have or don't want.  From the view of a new parent though everyone stated they felt a little anxious about sending wish lists as they weren't sure how they would be received by others and they didn't want to appear pushy.

Mr M & I have created a wish list on Amazon.  Our reason for doing this was that we have been really organised and bought bump items throughout the pregnancy, we have also bought things when we have seen them on sale to save us some money.  Friends and family have been asking us what we need and whilst we have told them they don't have to buy him a gift we thought a gift list would be a good way of showing people the things we like and give them a wide choice of gifts.  We also said in the email we distributed that people don't have to buy anything off the list.

It is a difficult decision to make and everyone is different and do what makes you feel comfortable.